The Wonderland of Grief and Loss

The Wonderland of Grief and Loss

Maurice Turmel PhD

The land of Grief and Loss is not a particularly favorable destination but one that we cross paths with on a regular basis throughout our lifetime.  We are rarely ready for this. In our culture, so much has gone into the Denial of Death that we find ourselves at a loss when the real thing comes along.

Let's take a closer look, shall we.

When a death occurs in our sphere of influence, we, the bereaved of the world, find ourselves in some kind of wonderland that we can't explain. This is a special place, an unusual place, outside the mainstream of our regular day to day existence.

We've been thrown into this land called Grief and Loss by the sudden and/or unexpected death of a loved one.  Unexpected here means unprepared, unwitting and most assuredly, unwanted.

We are lost and afraid.  We don't know our way around this territory.  It feels strange.  It feels almost Hollywood like in the same sense that it seems so surreal.

When we land here, unexpectedly, and usually suddenly, we are told by others what to expect, what could happen, and what one might feel under the circumstances.

At the funeral home there are people who travel this road regularly because its their business.  They usually look pale and sad, almost zombie like, because that's the nature of this environment.  The clothes they wear are as dark as the mood they convey. These caretakers of the dead and of us in grief know this journey all too well. They are always quite respectful of we, the uninitiated.  In their world, death and grieving are a straightforward circumstance that they see every day.

To all of us, now in the throes of grief, this death and dying business is an aberration, like falling off a cliff emotionally speaking, something we don't encounter on a regular basis, and therefore, alien to our usual life circumstances. The experience of death and grieving is also something we are often repelled by and dragged into kicking and screaming regardless that it is a mainstay of our collective destiny.

So here we are in this Wonderland called Grief and Loss feeling things we don't want to feel, experiencing emotions that are quite powerful and overwhelming and far outside our usual array of daily life experiences. We are forced by these circumstances to gather in places we don't want to be in, talk about emotions we don't want to discuss, while checking our watches to pinpoint the right moment for our exit.  We are face to face with a deceased loved one, a friend, a partner, a relationship that is now terminally broken.

We will never see this person again.  We will not speak with them, receive emails from them, or connect again in any fashion we had become used to over the course of our lives.  A big hole has opened up inside and it is filling with grief emotions we can't seem to control.

What do we do with ourselves now?  Initially at least we appear to sleepwalk through the process.  These are early days of grief and loss where the emotions are powerful and the mood is dark.  We are surrounded with mists of doubt, feelings of abandonment, self-admonishment perhaps – a whole host of pejoratives that we're busy conjuring up to try and make sense of this reality we now face.

Guilt, shame, sadness and weeping are all part of this process, this wonderland experience.  It is at such times where we find out things about ourselves we'd rather not admit to, things about the deceased we were never privy to, a whole host of revelations that might have remained buried were this person still with us now. The ground underneath us is shaking and continues to move.

Welcome to the Wonderland of Grief and Loss. This place is vastly different from your regular life circumstances and you shall remain here for some time to come.

Time heals all?  Not True!

Time heals if we do the work of acknowledging our feelings and working through them. These powerful emotions are extremes in the feeling range of life and they are upon us like a large dark cloud which has settled in for some time to come, whatever may be the duration of this process.

These extremes of emotional experiencing will pass eventually because all healing processes have beginnings and endings that are somewhat predictable.  As the grieving work is accomplished the dark cloud eventually breaks up and then dissipates.  This is the Wonderland of Grief and Loss.

Your stay in this valley of experience may be brief or long, depending on whom was lost and your attachment to that individual. Such events are always memorable even when filed away in the psychological closets we prefer not to visit. For those open to the experience and willing to embrace what needs to be done, there are lessons here that can deliver growth experiences unattainable anywhere else.

For those of you willing to do the work, make sure you say your prayers, whatever they may be and ask for the guidance and support you truly deserve. That will be forthcoming in whatever form suits you best.

Talk about the loss with your friends.  See a therapist if that's required. Join a grief recovery group. Give yourself every benefit that's readily available.  And this too shall pass. You will survive and you'll grow stronger as a result of having done the work.

That's the message here, dear friends.  The work has to be done or you will drag these ill effects with you far into the future, tainting every aspect of your life experience with this unattended sadness and remorse that simply begs for acknowledgment and release.

If you're still feeling stuck, ask yourself this:

“What would my deceased family member / loved one want for me in this circumstance? How would they want me to proceed?"  Or, if the tables were turned and you were looking at them while they were grieving you, what would you urge them to do for themselves?  Then govern yourself accordingly.

Its an alien place at first, this Wonderland of Grief and Loss – but only at first. Soon we realize that this experience  comes and goes like the seasons and we will pass here many times throughout our life journey before we come to our own final goodbye.

Give yourself what you need and you'll manage it all quite well. Then you'll be surprised at how quickly the grieving recedes once you've undertaken the healing process as a whole.  The smiles will be back.  The joy of living will return. Even your lost loved one will come to be viewed as an asset in the winding journey of your life, a person now easily called to memory with fondness and love. Win Win!

"When Angels Call - Coping With Grief and Loss"

Maurice Turmel PhD

Occupy Your Body

Occupy Your Body through Self-Acceptance

Maurice Turmel PhD

I had a hectic day yesterday. There was lots going on in terms of Personal Growth and Spiritual Alignment given this Ascension cycle we all find ourselves in.  The key event was landing in my body with a Thud!

How's that you say?

THE PROBLEM:

Well, you see, most of us are not living entirely in our bodies.  We exist in some suspended state, partly experiencing the physical, and partly trying to escape.  The physical can be painful, we all know that.  Those of us who hid out in fantasy images of a better place had yet to fully enter their bodies.  Why? Fear mostly.  Fear of pain, loss of control, disappointment and hurt, feelings carried over from previous lives no doubt, and in many instances, our entry into this one.

In my case it was a simple CSI investigation that revealed the reasons for my partial occupation of my physical vehicle.  I was abused as a child, that's the technical review.  What I experienced was this:  My father, who was a young parent at the time (age 20) used to frighten us children into silence when we were still in the crib.  Being the oldest, I was the first to experience this parenting approach.  He needed sleep and we were crying as babies are want to do.  So he made it a practice to startle us into silence.  It never occured to him or my mother that this might be a bad idea.

Have you ever seen a frightened baby? They exhibit the classic startle response.  They suck in their breath and lie still just as any organism would when it feels threatened.  You see this in the animal kingdom everyday.  This activity sets up a conditioned response that stays with a child for the rest of their life.  Add to this a few physical beatings along the way to age 5 and the deal is done. That child, who then becomes an adult, remains conditioned to the state of fear as the default position in their life.  "The world is dangerous and I must be vigilant."

Because of that initial application of fear and continued reinforcement through verbal and physical abuse, the soul does not enter the body completely.  It remains suspended so to speak, partly in the body, and partly in some fantasy where the world is not so scary, always vigilant though for the next attack.

You grow up looking to avoid danger, yet fall into it repeatedly, because that's what you expect. Law of Attraction at work.  Studies on abused children have shown that they would rather go home to the abusive environment than be placed in some unknown situation.  They want to stay because it is familiar, and it's all they know.

All persons and situations encountered thereafter are viewed with a modicum of suspicion.  People and events have to prove themselves harmless before we victims are willing to surrender to them. There is also an unfulfilled craving for Acceptance.  It is sought everywhere through pleasing behavior.  Most often resulting in disaster, because that's still the deeper expectation. You expect pain and loss.  You receive it.  Your theory of life being dangerous, is again confirmed.  But the craving for acceptance lingers on and never leaves.

I found my way into therapy to resolve this issue, this lack of trust, this fear of others, this constant nagging feeling of threat just a heartbeat away. After my first wife left me and took our 2 daughters I was so devastated I finally sought out professional help.  I knew I had to bring this pattern to an end.

I went even further than that.  While getting help for myself I decided I wanted to become a therapist and help others through their challenges. So, I got the training I needed and ran a successful private practice for over 15 years, until I burned out.  The problem with the cure is that I took in too much.

The road to recovery is filled with such stories. People so desperate to escape their pain, they overdue it on the recovery side.  The road to mental and emotional health is filled with such stories, people burning out trying so hard to rid themselves of that early onset pain and fear.

So yesterday, when I landed in my body with a Thud, I literally felt my feet hit the ground.  What was it that brought this result on?

The Solution: ACCEPTANCE!

Acceptance of all that you feel is the key.  This is the absolute straightest road to recovery from these effects.  Of that there is no doubt!  There are many therapeutic and healing practices available today, and there are many theories that support them.  Those that are successful all end at the same place: Self-Acceptance!

You want to be healed of your wounds?  Accept them!  Feel them!  Allow them to move through you!  You want to be rid of the frightened child within?  Accept her!  Love her!  Bring her to your bosom and comfort her!  Let her/him know you are now the caretaker and you will give her all that she needs.

She/He will balk at first.  Your frightened inner child trusts no one, including you.  Only through your commitment to bettering your life and healing those wounds will she allow you to come even close.  It takes a long time, in some cases, for a frightened and abused inner child to come to terms with your newfound good intentions.  But it will happen, be assured of that.  And you'll know the job is done by the distinctive Thud you will feel in your heart.

The key to transitioning from scared human to empowered human is Self-Acceptance.  I have spent the last 4 decades attempting to solve this riddle for myself and that is the final tally. Self-Acceptance wins all battles, those within, and those without.  That's when all those scary monsters you've been living with surrender their power to the Inner You who is now in control of your life.

Self-Acceptance means "I chose my Self."  Say that every day until you begin to believe it.  There is no other way through the morass of emotional turmoil that so many of us have been saddled with upon arrival on this planet.  Ascension is here now, available to all. Whatever road you take, Self-Acceptance spells the end of your healing journey and the beginning of your ascent to Cosmic Consciousness.

Blessings to you all on this path.

Maurice Turmel
October 20, 2011

http://NoLostHope.com

The Many Faces of Grief and Loss

The Many Faces of Grief and Loss
by Maurice Turmel PhD

Grief and loss is a broad category that encompasses death and dying, grief recovery, grief resources and every type of loss imaginable. From losing a loved one to losing your job, grief and loss includes a variety of dimensions that affect each and every one of us in our daily lives.

The predominant category is loss of a loved one, of course. Death is the first thing that comes to mind when grief and loss are being discussed. But this particular experience can also emerge when we breakup with a lover, lose a pet or get fired from our employment. When the grief experience strikes, recovery is what preoccupies us the most.

We now understand that losing a loved one is only one aspect of grief and loss. Relationship breakups, divorce, loss of the family pet, getting fired and losing a business are all causes that generate the grief and loss experience. Such losses are rarely associated with the main grieving category, but in fact, they do share many common denominators as the primary experience of death of a loved one.

What is central to this article is that grief and loss affects us in almost every aspect of our lives. We recoil over the loss of a job. We fall into depression over the loss of our home. We grieve the death of our pets. We agonize over a recent divorce. And of course, we cry over the loss of loved ones.

What is our point here with this foray into the multiple dimensions of grief and loss? We are dealing with an emotional crisis and a feeling based wound. We experience sadness, depression and hurt. Feeling lost and afraid is common. Anger usually arrives first, till we discover what's underneath, and pain is what we wish to avoid, initially. All such reactions are quite typical with the experience of grief and loss.

Grief and loss, as a life experience, emerges in many aspects of our lives. Learning to relieve ourselves of stress via relevant grief recovery programs can have far reaching benefits. Recovering our usual bounce and drive is a worthy goal and significant benefit in grief recovery. Whatever we learn about dealing with grief and loss can be applied across its many dimensions and occurences.

The cycle of life includes gaining, losing and gaining again. For example, when a snake crawls into the tall grass to shed its old skin, it's because the new is emerging from underneath and pressing for release. Losses are typically categorized as devastating when, in fact, they are often a prelude to something better. Learning to let go, no matter what the cicumstances is a valuable life lesson.

Our biggest loss is always the death of a loved one. On a well known stress scale, this type of loss is just ahead of divorce and moving, two more examples of grief and loss. Learning to manage our daily losses, big and small, can well equip us for dealing with the big one when it inevitably strikes. A good grief resource becomes our most valuable guide during such circumstances and will lead us toward a healthy recovery.

Recovery from grief and loss, in all its varied forms, requires that we deal with our emotions. When we are emotionally vulnerable we can find a deeper meaning to life and acquire new and lasting friendships where we initially saw hurt and sorrow. Every loss carries a benefit, even if it takes years to uncover. Letting go emerges as grief and loss' primary lesson.