CHOICEMAKING
Maurice Turmel PhD - The Spiritual
Psychologist
(This article on ChoiceMaking has been published on several sites and locations throughout the web since first released in early 2003. It is being re-published here to coincide with this year's TEDx conference in Toronto who's theme is "Making Choices")
We all assume that making choices is a simple process. We see what's in
front of us and we choose the best option. That's the way it goes in this
choicemaking process. But what if it were not that simple? Because, let's face
it, people make the wrong choices every day. The wrong girlfriend! The wrong
boyfriend! The wrong destination! The wrong colors, and so on.
Choicemaking is not as simple as it may seem. Smokers continue to smoke.
Drinkers continue to exist, would they?
Look At Your
Own Life For A Few Moments
See if all your choices have been wise ones. Is there a repeating choice
occurring that still produces the same negative result? Why are you still
making it? When it comes to Life Choices, then we see that this process is not
as simple as choosing the right candy, or movie, or other form of
entertainment.
Truly FREE
Choicemaking is based on Personal Characteristics, Prehistory and Personal
Awareness.
How aware are you of your Prehistory to determine why you may be making
the same faulty choices over and over again? Why does a woman continue to
choose the same type of abusive man? Why does a man continually succumb to the
definitions and desires of others? There's no choice in such examples, only
repeating patterns!
But The Fact
Is: There is choice
Choicemaking still goes on, even if it's outside our conscious awareness.
A part of us is making choices based on - prehistory, old patterns or a
familiar expectation like "I never get what I want" or, something
similar.
These Are
Some of the Common Denominators of Prehistory
As a child you React to your environment. You adopt the Status Quo, that
is, how things work in your family of origin. You make unconscious choices
based on Survival Value. "If my dad always yells at me when I need
something, then I won't "need" and won't ask anymore."
And you give up trying to get that Need Met! Repeat this a few dozen
times and see how many things you have given up. And worse, you start
convincing yourself "you don't really need it at all!"
The more dysfunctional your Family of Origin is, the more Reactive and
Unconscious your choices tend to be. And this is the root of all negative choices.
Very few people would consciously choose a situation or pattern with a
guaranteed negative outcome. So called "common sense" is about
hindsight and stating the obvious. The fact that so many choices are made at a
subconscious level, cancels out any so-called fruitful effects of "common
sense."
Patterns
Return, Familiarity Seems Safer,
Only Because
These Are Known
Making a choice for a better Life is tantamount to a Crisis. It certainly
is a Crisis for the Part of You that makes your unconscious choices! Some call
this part
your "survival side" or your "inner tyrant."He, she, or It,
has a big investment in maintaining Control. So you "doze off" or
"go numb" when an important Critical Choice has to be made. You re
'still making a choice, only you are "choosing not to choose." And
the necessary choice is relegated to your Unconscious Self. You
"allow" this unconscious "protector/controller" self to
make the choice for you. And then, you see the Same Old Negative Result.Once
again confirming "You Are the Victim of Forces Beyond Your Control!"
What Has to
Happen on a Conscious Level
for This
Pattern to Change?
"Know Thyself" is the key phrase here. And this is no small
order. Even well trained Psychologists can have a tyrannical unconscious self
to deal with. It is critical to get to the bottom of this though. One has to
see that those unconscious choices:
a) exist and;
b) no longer work.
What once had survival value, during childhood, has now become a
detriment to your healthy development as an adult. We’ve all had occasion to
say: "he's acting like a child again." Or, “I felt like a child who
needed her mother.” These are common enough experiences for all of us to relate
to.
The Primary
Sign of True Adult Development is Emotional Maturity
This includes the ability to make choices based on the evidence at hand,
and not the "programs" from one's prehistory. True Freedom comes when
one's childhood, hurtful past is laid to rest. Freedom comes when we take hold
of ourselves and declare: "I'm making the decisions from now on -not my
old Childhood Self- not my Abused and Frightened Self - not my Victim Self,or
any part of me that came into being before I could make conscious choices.In a
safe environment we grow up capable of making informed choices.We are allowed
to be ourselves.
In
Dysfunctional Environments, Conscious Choicemaking is Absent
We react. We resist. We counterattack. And we become passive-aggressive.
We identify ourselves as victims, because we feel victimized. And we make
limited, uninformed choices based on these need do to survive this
stress?"
replaces "What choice would I like to make at this time?" We come to
believe that: "we are what is happening to us" The Victim -The Abused
One - The Abandoned One, and so on.
Name your Poisonous Identity. These are factual results of various types
of domestic tyranny. There are hundreds of self-help books addressing each one
of these results.
How do You
Change a Reactive Choice to a Free Choice?
You become aware of who you are. Of what happened to you as a child, and
what you need now to correct this. You make Conscious Choices to better your
life. You seek out resources that will help you untie all these psychological
and emotional knots. You Choose to open our self up to the Inner You, the
person you are, or could be, had none of the above happened. You choose to get
in touch with your full potential, and to clean out all the garbage that no
longer belongs. You are choosing Your Freedom!
This Could
Be A Long Process Indeed
What's your alternative? To live out your life as a pattern of
prepackaged reactions that were triggered by others? Or, to live your life as
it could be, given what you now know about cleaning up messes?
I made my commitment 40 years ago, and I still work at it. But it's not
so hard anymore, and I have had some fun along the way. I actually enjoyed
untangling those knots. As I needed certain things, they came along in one form
or another, a good Counselor, a Friend, Great Books, an Inspiring Movie, and so
on. As I learned to take responsibility and own my feelings, things improved. I
improved. I got stronger. I benefitted from these conscious choices. As I
learned to overcome defeat and curtail negative self-references, I gained
self-esteem.
As I realized that a part of me ( the tyrant) seemed programmed to harm
me, I took away its power and claimed it for myself.
This Is The
Hero's Journey From Mythology
Into the Heart of Darkness we go, past the Guard Dog "Cerebus"
(inner tyrant) to recover our Essential Self, and become what we can be.It is a
long and difficult journey at times, but well worth it in the end. I wouldn't
trade my journey for any other experience. That's the level of my commitment
and the rewards that come with it.
Whatever it takes. Wherever I need to go. I'll do it. Because, I'm worth
it. AND SO ARE YOU!!!
Are you ready to commit to the Full Expression of your Being? Then Time
to Get Moving – The Choice is Yours!
